


Memories

by Ill_have_that_drink_now



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, POV Second Person, Parent/Child Incest, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2019-08-23 02:35:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16610255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ill_have_that_drink_now/pseuds/Ill_have_that_drink_now
Summary: An autobiography.





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> This: Mentioned self harm, suicidal thoughts, child sexual abuse and non-con elements.

Childhood. This is your innocent years and you try to make your life seem as normal as possible. However, all you can seem to think about is ways to die. Strangulation, cutting, drowning, transport accidents, falling and etc. You feel like you should take it upon yourself to try and see if you can die from oxygen deprivation. So you do. You're only young, maybe about 6 or so, and you get your scarf and wrap it round your neck, knotting it. Your oxygen supply depletes. There's a crushing sensation against your neck. You feel your face vibrating as you try to steady your breathing. You unknot your scarf and you go on with your life.

Age 8. Your mother has found a new boyfriend. She tells you not to tell your father, you agree. They're only friends after all. You're moving out. He comes to your house one time, father is at work and won't be back until nightfall. You and your brothers are playing indoor bowling with your cheap plastic bowling pins. Your father comes home. They get married after 1 year of knowing each other.

Age 12. You've moved again- a nice little countryside estate juxtaposing what is going to happen. You're with your mother and stepfather and brothers. You sit at his side on your warm settee and his hand is placed just under your chest. Inching his hand upwards, he finally grabs it. You push your arm against his urging him to continue. You didn't realise how wrong it was so all you could feel was the pleasure slowly building. You go to bed that night and masturbate for the first time.

Age 13. You choose a clean metal blade from a small pencil sharpener that you managed to take apart. You scratch it against your skin. The adult figures in your life are merciless in their attempts at making you get higher grades. You can't handle the pressure. You can't handle him touching you all the time. He gets more adventurous when you're alone with him and he starts massaging your behind. He gets you to kneel on the floor with your arms on the settee. He starts sucking at them too. He makes you stand in front of him as he sits on the settee and he looks up at you. You just gaze at your phone and read about your favourite characters that were going through the same as you. You start to dissociate.

Age 14. He is charged for two cases of physical abuse to your mother. She takes him back.

Age 15. You have managed to make yourself bleed for the first time and you are happy. He started to do other things that you try so hard to ignore but you can't. You can't because he is relentless in his attack with his tongue. Your Gran comes to your house- you refuse to call it home- and you have never felt more alone. He finds out about the fanfiction you have been reading and calls you a freak and "fucked up in the head". You cry over having to read books he gave you when you just want to read your own and he sees you. He asks you if you are depressed. You wish you said, "Of course! You big oaf, you fucking arsehole, you made me this way you stupid fucking bastard!" But you don't and you suffer in silence. August comes and your Gran has left, you feel so fucking depressed that you can't do it anymore. Your mother comes into your bedroom and asks you if you were alright. You reply that your fine but then she keeps asking question after question and you feel your throat start to close up and you lose the ability to breathe properly as you gaze down unseeingly at your hands. Then she asks THE QUESTION you have been waiting for her to ask since you were 13. You nod in response, throat too thick with emotions to answer coherently. She talks to him about it but DOESN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE! She keeps him in your home and he tries his hardest to do it all again. It isn't until you finally go to your father's for half of the summer holidays and a fight breaks out does your mother tell the police out of anger and spite for him. He is charged with sexual assault of a minor. In August of that year, you realize something- you're pansexual. You ask your friend if she is willing to date you and she says yes. Happiness came a lot easier. 

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on experience and it may also seem incredibly ludicrous for a victim to feel like what I did. Everyone has different coping methods, this was just unfortunately my way of doing so. I have read countless amounts of fanfiction on such a heavy topic but they were nothing like my reaction when I went through this. People need to recognise that having your dignity stripped from you does not just mean that you must hop into a scalding shower and grab the nearest scrubber to scratch at your body until they bleed. Some victims masturbate after dealing with sexual abuse so they fell in control of their sexual life. Some victims blame themselves for being weak and self harm because of it. Some victims feel dirty and as if they need to be clean again and so punish themselves by "purification". All of these are possible outcomes of sexual abuse or rape and I hope I opened up your minds to the possible coping mechanisms of sexual abuse victims.


End file.
